it's that time of the year again.

yes, long awaits, time to move on

and close down this blog.

am not shutting it down yet.

but, leaving it here.

just like that.

am gonna say,

goodbye.

and of course, i will blog again.

in a new blog address of course :)

whenever i do this, it means

i need a restart. so,

goodbye.

blah.

I do not know how to express myself today.

so tired. so many things. so many types of feelings.

all in one.

so should i be happy? or sad?

contented? or grief?

smile or mourn?

cry or don't cry?

think or don't think?

there were things that can offend me easily last time,

and it still offends me. but i am just too tired to feel offended.

i do care a lot about loads of stuff. but now i am limiting myself,

care about those important things. others, leave it aside if i can.

seems like i no longer can live normally.

feel like a robot instead.

emotion scares me now. am i happy or pretending to be happy?

and the question is, what's so good about being happy?

you're happy, so?

and i used to like to know about everything that naturally relates to me.

but now? no thanks.

don't let me know. the less i know, the better.

the less i know, the less i care, the less i will not be disappointed.

and then trying to minimize sadness. less sadness, happy or not, is just another issue.

heartbroken.

I really didn't know that ahkor can leave such a big impact in my life.

Everything seems ok at home now.

But my heart felt like being squeezed very very hard.

I do not like this feeling at all.

I admit that I have been ignoring the fact.

Refuse to accept the truth.

Unable to acknowledge.

I want to talk about him. But I always stop half way.

I don't know what to do next.

I know I should live a better life,

do what I should do,

continue living.

ahkor, I used to think that you are not so important in my life.

You have your life, I have mine.

We lead our own life,

It's not that I don't care about you.

I care a lot about you, I do.

How can I forget? I cannot rub you off from my past memories.

It hurts so much to not see you around anymore.

You hurt us all.

You hurt me, Kaa Jie, daddy mummy and Suk Hui.

Your name is still in our daily conversation as if you never left us.

Whatever you did is still very fresh in our mind,

as if it just happened yesterday.

None of us, expect this to happen.

We are so hurt. I am so hurt.

I miss seeing you.

ahkor, we have been together for 20 years.

27 years with daddy and mummy.

mummy looks so weak now. daddy is making himself bz with business.

suk hui is trying her best to take over your part in the family.

kaa jie is really hurt by you, she still thinks of you everyday.

I try to ignore the fact you are gone.

but how long can I ignore?

In the arms of an angel.

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

expectations eh?

I already told myself months ago.

To not have any expectations at all.

So that I shall not be disappointed.

My mind may be blur these few days.

Time to grip my hands,

and move forward.

No more tears,

No more grieving,

No more expectations,

No more disappointments.

Restart, restart, restart.

I dunno how many times I can reboot my mind.

Just hope that it won't crash.

Do not expect anything at all!

with ♥

I miss ahkor :(